Please forgive the distortion. My friend was sitting a few yards away recording this. The audience laughter hid a few words, but you’ll get the gist of it. I only had 2 minutes, so I read fast.
This was at the open mic event at a writer’s retreat in 2016 (at least I think it was 2016). I had just finished a bag of Doritos and couldn’t think of anything to read for the open mic, so I started scribbling something about cheesy deliciousness.
I loved Doritos then and I still love them now… but they no longer love me.
Why did I just finish a bag of Doritos and now am suffering the 2nd or 3rd worst heartburn I’ve ever felt? I take prescription antacid and wound up taking Tums Ultra to supplement. It’s barely working.
And I know it’s caused by the Doritos because I’ve gotten heartburn every time I’ve had them the past few months. My doctor says such heartburn is not uncommon in people at my age.
People… at… my… age…
She also said that I should not take Tums while I’m taking daily prescription antacid.
So now I have a devil’s dilemma. Do I give up Doritos, or do I give up the Tums that are hardly working anyway? And it seems prolonged, untreated heartburn can lead to other issues, so I can’t really just indulge and ignore the burning.
So… really… the answer is clear… I just don’t know that I’m strong enough to do it.
Ok… my son just listened and said it’s inappropriate.
Kids these days… what do they know…?
The Transcript:
The slightly-larger-than-a-single-serving sized bag of Doritos, along with a bottle of sparkling water, is the perfect mid-day snack when you're sitting hard at work. Even if you've dropped the bag onto the marble tiled part of the floor twice, it’s ok. The crumbs will just make the Doritos last longer.
Working your way through the large pieces of salty, cheesy goodness, you slip whole triangles into your mouth. Before actually closing your teeth to bite the savory and faintly sweet chip, you press your lips together to muffle the crunch, looking around hoping nobody can hear you.
Reaching back into the bag, you get to the medium sized chunks. You place one in your mouth only to have it gone in a matter of seconds. You reach in again, grabbing two pieces this time. Closing your teeth on that double thickness, the crunch is loud, but it too is frustratingly gone in seconds. So you reach in and grab a stack this time…yeah…just enough…
You place that stack on your tongue and guide it in with your finger. When you close your mouth on it, you know if you bite down, the crunch will be deafening…so you press the stack against the roof of your mouth, sucking that salty cheesy goodness until it softens enough to chew discretely.
By now, your fingers have taken on a neon orange color. You scooch down behind your monitor so no one will see you licking them.
As you near the middle of the bag, the medium size chunks give way to large crumbs. This is the best part cuz you can pinch a full half inch of loud crunchy deliciousness, and slide your cheesy fingers into your mouth, dragging them between your closed lips and curling your tongue around the crumbling bundle, hoping to prevent chunky crumb spillage at the same time.
The taste is so overwhelming, that you get greedy and pinch 3/4 of an inch. The clump destabilizes and begins to break up. The only thing keeping them from hitting the floor is a bosom that’s now orange, gritty, and uncomfortably moist.
Finally, reaching the bottom of the bag, you don’t care anymore. You throw your head back and open your mouth wide, turning the bag up. You tap the metallic painted plastic against your teeth, forcing the last of the corn crumbs and cheese dust to slide out into your mouth.
Wonderful! Have you tried L-glutamine?? It’s an amino acid - white powder. GNC, Whole Foods - any health food store will have it. I mix it with water and it takes away my heartburn almost immediately. Body builders take it to build muscle.
Hilarious and brilliant! And ohhhh soo relatable!