What's This... What's This? I Can't Believe My Eyes...!
My First Non-working Vacation Ever - Part 2
The JAXPORT Terminal
I don’t have a passport (don’t worry, I’m getting one!), so a week or so before the trip, I ventured to the county courthouse to get copies of my birth certificate and marriage license (you don’t need a passport to go to the Bahamas). Before leaving home, I printed Carnival boarding passes and luggage tags for Aunt Debby and me. I’d bought us plastic luggage tag holders, lanyards for our Sign & Sail cards, and waterproof phone holders. I also bought shower organizers, 50lb magnetic hooks, towel bands, beach and bath towels, space bags with pump, ALL the sea sickness meds, and I can’t remember what all else. Suffice it to say I was well prepared for absolutely anything.
Arriving at the terminal, we were greeted by porters who took our tagged luggage and pointed us to a crowd of people waiting in a long winding queue. I won’t say my heart sank, but I was immediately annoyed at the thought of waiting in that line for probably an hour just to get inside the building. To my very pleasant surprise, Aunt Debby and I were inside in about 5 minutes because she requested a wheelchair. The check-in went quickly and while we waited, a voice over the PA announced the last chance to dispose of drugs and weapons and other contraband; and I watched the long winding line move quickly through security; and every once in a while, seemingly at random, a few guests would place their bags along a yellow line on the floor and a drug-sniffing dog would inspect them. We waited maybe 10 minutes for a wheelchair for Aunt Debby, then a kind lady pushed her to the bottom of a 5 story ramp where we upgraded the ride to a motorized scooter chair. Aunt Debby zoomed up the ramp so fast, I had to practically jog to keep up with her.
Carnival Elation Elation!
I admit it, I don’t get out nearly enough. I only travel by car or by train, and while I appreciate things artistically, I’m rarely impressed. The entrance and atrium of the Carnival Elation impressed me! Yeah, it’s the smallest and oldest, but damn! It’s gorgeous with its polished wood and red & gold accents, glass elevators, and bar almost smack dab in the middle of deck 7. I’m afraid I didn’t have the presence of mind to take pictures (at any time during the trip, actually :’( ) but you can easily find some on line. Since our staterooms weren’t ready yet, Aunt Debby and I waited in the art gallery (OMG! an art gallery) while we tried to contact Miranda and family, and went up to the comedy club for our muster training. Get this… every guest has to go through muster training to learn to use the life jackets and where to go in an emergency. We couldn’t set sail until every passenger checked in at their muster station. This was not a reassuring start to this trip.
We found the family on the Lido deck (deck 10) in Tiffany’s, the huge buffet restaurant with several specialty kitchens including Pizza Pirate, Swirly’s, and a gargantuan salad bar. Also on the Lido deck, outside of Tiffany’s and near the pool, Aunt Debby and I found Guy’s Burger Joint. Yes, I spent 36 hours on a train to get all the way to a cruise ship in Florida to go to a burger joint… and I would do it all again! I don’t have the words to describe the amount of deliciousness I tasted in the meatiest, juiciest, cheesiest burger I’ve ever had. And the fries… oh the fries… how do you get hand-cut fries to be crispy and moist and fluffy at the same time? Honestly, I never hafta have another burger & fries again… I have tasted the burger of heaven and it is at Guy’s Burger Joint!
Finally spotting our luggage outside our room on deck 4 in hall 0-D-D (actually just “odd”, but I was over thinking), I was pleasantly surprised by the room. I had always imagined my first cruise stateroom to be a 2 story suite with a wrap-around balcony, a grand piano, a big round bed, and a white-gloved butler greeting us at the door. This room was nothing like that… 1 story, no balcony, no piano, 2 tiny beds, no butler… but after about 20 minutes, a nice young man knocked at our door and promised to be our butler should we ever require such services. I soon forgot all about my snobbetry and uppity-siddiddiness and I never called him. I think what surprised me most about the room was my reaction. It was like a tiny hotel room… but I was ok with it. No complaints or snide remarks about size… I actually found it quite comfortable… and the bath towels were big enough to wrap around me!
The Sail-Away party was loud and musical and awesome. The energy of our hosts was amazing. I have no idea how they could keep that up for 4 straight days. Miranda danced on deck, and Aunt Debby stepped in to do the Wobble. While watching his mom get her boogie on, CJ left his phone on a deck chair and wandered away. I tucked it in my bra for safe keeping and when he wandered back, I promised him that I’d rub it on my titty for an hour if he ever left it like that again. Yes, I probably scarred him but he’ll never forget his phone that way again!
Paper Panties… oh my!
As a bon voyage gift, my sister pre-paid for a spa treatment for me; and Aunt Debby and I spent the afternoon of day 1 at the Cloud 9 Spa. Auntie got the Swedish Massage, and I chose the salt scrub. I was escorted to a freezing treatment room with soothing music playing and before asking me to completely disrobe, the massage therapist put my ass-length hair up in a giant bun bigger than my head. The nice lady then handed me a little plastic bag with a tiny wad of rubber bands and black paper— “Put this on please, and then lie down face up on the table please…” As I looked at the scrap of paper, I almost changed my mind. It was seriously ridiculous… an inch wide strip of black crepe paper and ultra thin pieces of elastic on each side… a paper thong! She also gave me a little stretchy cloth napkin to try to pretend to cover my breasts. After a few more minutes hesitation, I remembered that I was on this trip to have new experiences and I undressed.
First, the nice lady with the very soft hands used a special scrub brush to loosen dead skin cells, stimulate something or the other, and reduce cellulite… it was very scratchy and the stimulation felt more like abrasion and she marveled at how my ash looked just like dust… yes I have VERY dry skin. After I was nice and all scratched up, she took a blend of warm aromatic oils and sea salt that smelled just like the 1970s and scrubbed me all over, starting with my arms. She rubbed salt everywhere not covered by the paper thong. I had to remind myself several times that she was a professional and that my flops and folds and flabulousness were probably not the worst she’d ever seen. After about 15 minutes of oily, salty, scrubbing, she turned on the warm, steamy shower and directed me to step in and rinse off— “Leave the panties on the floor, please. I will give you a back massage next.” After a slow rinse and a quick dry with the fluffiest, warmest towel ever, I lay down on the table with my face in the headholder (or whatever it’s called) and received an awesome back massage. I might even have fallen asleep.
After the massage, while I was shamelessly dressing (why hide now?), she offered kind advice on how to manage my irrationally dry skin… using an $80 bottle of lotion, a $70 bottle of shower gel, the $50 scrub brush, and something else highly priced that she’d throw in for free. Yeah, I declined… a lot.
Just My Imagination
We ended the day with a family dinner at the Imagination Dining Room. The server greeted us each by name, and I think I had the braised short ribs (I know I had them one of the nights). The food was good but the most memorable thing was the cheesecake for dessert. It was beautiful with extra strawberry sauce. If I closed my eyes and tasted it, I wouldn’t know it was cheesecake… it was so awful… it was coarse and crumbly and it disintegrated in my mouth…who ever heard of dry cheesecake? One of the luxuries of Carnival is that you can get as many dishes as you can eat (within reason—I think they charge you a nominal fee after the 2nd entree), so I traded it for something else less memorable.
At bedtime, I set an alarm for 2am, and Aunt Debby and I met Miranda on deck 11 to watch a total lunar eclipse. The night was chilly but bearable, and the view was stunning. The full moon looked red as the earth passed between the moon and the sun. My only disappointment was that I couldn’t see more stars. We stayed lounging in deck chairs and talking for about 30 minutes and then finally turned in.
To Be Continued…
This was hilarious! Glad you had the chance to go. I've been writing about my first cruise, too, and there was so much going on on the Royal ship.
Am so very glad yous got to go on your first family cruise! Really enjoying your tale!! Please tell more soon!!! Makes me remember how much I have loved your characters in your books and how you write. Have a nice welcome home rest!